The Next Great Milestone

Today, Maureen decided it was time to give John a full on tubbie. As she was preparing the bath water, I decided to be proactive and take off his diaper and clothing. Being proud of my proactivity, I carried him into the kitchen.

When I entered the kitchen, a thought popped into my head: Please don't drop a duece in my hand. That was my mantra. I kept on thinking about it. I said to Maureen, "I bet he's going to be like a little bird and poop in my hand." A second after I said that, I felt a tremendous warmth. No, it wasn't in my hand (thankfully). It was on my shirt. Yes, our John had emptied his bladder on me. All the time, I was worried about the deuce and he goes and pees on me. Oh well, I got that out of the way. I'm not looking forward to the time he drops a deuce on me.

For the most part, John is good during bath time. He doesn't act-up much unless you mess with his hair. The boy does not like having his hair washed. If he's ever going to have hair like John Hamm from Mad Men, he's going to have to learn to deal with having his hair washed.

Take a look at this video clip if you have a moment. Once again, it'll probably only be of interest to his grandparents, but it's up for the world to see. I hope John doesn't need therapy due to this blog. If so, I apologize in advance.

Mother and Child

Quite the photogenic pair, don't you think? He loves his mother. He just puts up with my shenanigans and monkeyshines.

How's This For A Theme Song?

La Ballade de Johnny Jane Vanessa Paradis & Jane Birkin
Uploaded by moriganne

Yes, they sing "Johnny Jane", but with their accents it sounds like "Johnny G". If Johnny G is anything like his father, he'll enjoy fine French pop songs like this or anything else by Vanessa Paradis.

Three Week Check Up

John was quite the trooper today. He went to visit Dr. K (the man's a living saint. he just got back from a camp for terminally ill children that he runs.) Being a natural crank like all Gonzalez men, he didn't exactly like being poked and prodded, but he dealt with it.

Our John is officially 9.4-lbs. He's almost gained a full pound between check-ups. Dr. K says the normal weight gain would have been 0.5-lbs, but he said there's no right or wrong amount. He's also 22-inches long. That's 2-inches longer than when he was born. Within a few years, I'm sure he'll tower over Maureen and then finally over me. We shall enjoy our little boy as he grows to manhood. He'll always be our little guy.

Heck, I still call our 18-year old nephew, Dillon, by the affectionate name, "Boy". He towers over me, but he'll always be the little baby that I smeared Crisco in his hair in an effort to style his hair like Elvis. He'll always be the 4-year old boy who traded his sister Alexis to me for a bag of spicy peanuts.

Enough of that tomfoolery. Based on John's weight gain, I have decided to start training him to enter the World's Strongest Man competition. John will be greater than 4-time winners Jon Pall Sigmarsson and Magnus Ver Magnusson . I'm going to start dropping some MET-Rx and Creatine into his Enfamil. He'll be screaming BEEFCAKE!! BEEFCAKE!!! in no time. That's the recipe for success. I just know it.

Sure, Maureen might disagree. She'd probably want him to exceed Mariusz Pudzianowski's records, but I'll always take an Icelandic strong man over a Polish strong man.

Plus, Iceland is just loads of fun and no one's ever invaded it...well, except the Vikings. Poland has constantly been invaded and divided. You just never know when Vladamir Putin is going to order Russian troops to invade or reclaim "ancient Russian land."

On a side note, Dr. K made a really funny comment. Whilst checking out John's hoohoodilly, he said the following: "Wow, who did the circumcision? He did a great job." I was tempted to say a moyle did it, but that wouldn't fly since neither Maureen nor I am of the Chosen People. Since we dress JD in white, we could say that we had just paid a visit to the Kaballah Center in West Hollywood but that wouldn't be cool either.

Anywho, I'd include a photo, but that'd be too weird and I wouldn't want to offend any of our loyal readers (namely Kievy). Suffice it to say, Dr. K was impressed with the job.

Voting Irregularities

It has come to our attention that there have been voting irregularities regarding the selections for John's theme. There was a late surge in voting and it all seemed to be coming from Nigeria. I think it has something to do with the e-mail from a former finance minister that I did not follow-up on. Maybe if I had, he would not have skewed the results and I'd be millions of dollars richer. Unfortunately, the poll has been cancelled, but I'll post John's selected theme song, both mother and father approved, at a later date.

Two Sleepy Boys

Maureen's Choice for John's Theme

If she had her druthers, Maureen would have put up Jive Talkin' as a choice for John's theme. To use it as a theme, he'd have to look like one of the Bee Gees, preferably Barry. Actually, I'm not sure if I'd want him to look like Barry Gibb since Michael Jackson once said he'd let his kids sleep in Barry Gibb's bed. Anyway, back to the topic. John would need to walk around with an open shirt, a giant disco medallion, and a beard. I just can't picture that sweet little boy looking like Barry, Maurice (rest in peace), or Robin. Can you?

Gassy Gasserton

Our John is quite the gas bag. There have been a couple of times that Maureen has asked me if I had just tooted. To my glee, I have been able to say, "No, that was your son."

At this rate, he'll be a master of the blue flame in no time. Then again, let's hope he doesn't even think about that until he's much older and he's at someone else's home.

John Does Dress In Colors Other Than White

So far, we've seen shots of John without a shirt, with a white shirt, or with a Onesie. These shots proove that our John has more colors in his wardrobe. Believe me, his mother agonized over his wardrobe. If it were up to her, he'd wear Ralph Lauren every single day (They have a great selection at Marshalls.). He'd wear something that a male should wear to the yacht club on a Sunday. We're still a little away from joining any clubs, so lets just focus on clothes that a little boy can wear to be a little boy.

John's Theme

John and I were sitting around watching Shaft yesterday and that got me thinking that John needs a theme song. All the greats have themes. Shaft has the classic Shaft by Isaac Hayes. Indiana Jones has the Indiana Jones Theme by John Williams. Darth Vader has the Imperial March by John Williams. When you hear those musical pieces, you think of the character.

So, I have thought it out and come out with these options:


1. Teardrop by Massive Attack

This is also the theme to House. I think John is rufus enough to take it away from Dr. Gregory House, don't you?




2. Angel by Massive Attack

This is also my current theme. It plays through my head as I walk down the streets. I'd be willing to give it to John.



3. The Funk Phenomena by Armand Van Helden

John is a funk phenomenon.



2. Old Town by Phil Lynott

Phil Lynott was rufus. John is rufus. This song is one of the most rufus ever.



Please vote for your selection on the weekly poll. Thanks

New Milestone Reached

The first class I took when I matriculated to the University of California at Los Angeles was an ancient art history class. The one thing I remember from that class is that omphalos means navel in Greek (I have learned a few more Greek words from our friend, George, since then). Our John has a lovely omphalos, don't you think?



The remnants of his umbilical chord looked like it was ready to fall off since last Thursday. It had the looks of a little raisin. Every time I was tempted to pick it off, Maureen would forbid it. My mother was worried and thought it looked infected the other day. I think this news will greatly please her.

The Results Are In

The results are in. John Dockweiler Gonzalez has been proclaimed your favorite baby born on 7-7-08. When contacted for a comment, his press agent released the following:

I am honored and thrilled to be named your favorite baby born on 7-7-08. I was thrilled to be nominated in such elite company as Levi and Sunday. They are just terrific.

I would like to thank my parents for having me. I would like to thank my grandparents for loving me as their favorite grandchild. I'd like to thank the my aunts and uncles, both in Arkansas and California. I'd especially like to thank my cousins Dillon, Alexis, Shelby (GO LADY BOMBERS!), Marielena, Samantha, Matthew, Adrianna, and Anamargarita for being the best first cousins a little guy could ask for.

I'd like to send a shout of to two lovely young ladies born earlier this year, Isabel Grace Womack and Charla Mary Smith. I can't wait to meet the two of you on the cross-country trip my parents have talked about.

On a more serious note, I'd like to close by reminding everyone to say nope to dope and uggh to drugs!!

Only One Day Left To Vote

Remember to cast your vote for your favorite child born on 7-7-08. Right now, JD has a resounding lead over Levi and Sunday.



Of special note, thanks to Aunt China and Cousin Alexis for voting multiple times. If ever John becomes a dictator of some small banana republic, the two of you will be very welcome to stuff the ballot boxes to ensure that he remains President for Life.

An Odd Note

In this week's issue of US Magazine (that's "US" as in "Just the Two of Us" not "U.S" as in United States. If you saw Celebrity Family Feud this week, you'd know why I make the distinction), Chris Martin aka Mr. Gwennyth Paltrow aka Apple's Dad made a crazy statement regarding changing diapers: "It's mentally cleansing." In my opinion, it's a necessary evil and a part of being a parent. There is absolutely nothing therapeutic about it.

Then again, his opinions mean NOTHING to me. He's a lunatic that named his child after a piece of fruit. Does he not know the pain that poor Apple will go through in school?

Fun With Hair

Mom and Grandma decided to have some fun with John this morning. They decided to try new hair styles out on our John. As you can see from the photos, John was not terribly pleased. Either that, or he has my aversion to having his photo taken. Let's hope that's not the case because I have plans for this boy. He's going to be a huge soccer star. He'll start out in Europe and make his big bucks in Italy or Spain. He'll have to be ready for the cameras



Style 1 on the left is known as the Johnny Bomber look. Johnny Bomber is a rock star in Japan because we all know that things are easy when you are big in Japan (or so Alphaville would have us believe). Why Johnny Bomber?



There's a good story involving me and the end of my matriculation at university (WOW, I sounded Canadian there with the "university" thing. I should have gone to Degrassi Street Community School). Anyway, as I was nearing the end of my studies, I didn't know what I was going to do. My friend, Albert, made a great recommendation. He said I should move to Japan and become a pop singer. They'll listen to anything. So, we came up with my name Eddie Bomber and that I specialized in songs that sounded like they were out of the 1950's. I'd wear clothes that was from the early 1980's (no not pirate clothes like Adam Ant). Eventually, I did get a job and let my pop star dreams go by the wayside (until I put a fake article up on Wikipedia about Eddie Bomber's three top 10 singles in Japan and gold record in the Netherlands. The Wiki-Police got rid of it pretty quickly.).



Style number 2 on the right is known as the Johnny Ross. Why Johnny Ross? It's quite reminiscent of early ER Doug Ross aka George Clooney. Grandma said it was his nerdy hair do. I think it's more of a mid-nineties Gallagher brothers from Oasis look; however, Johnny has the face to pull it off. The Gallagher brothers were/are just dirty looking fools from Manchester.





If it were up to me, he'd have Don Draper's hair style. That's a man with a nice head of hair. We'll have to use a bucket of hair gel to keep it styled in that way, but I'd be willing to spend the time and effort to make his hair look like that.

Several people have mentioned that John has a great head of hair. Yes, he does have a full head of hair, but he's got some long sideburns that just kill me. My little boy has mutton chop sideburns. They are not quite as thick as Elvis', but they are still thick. I can't wait to take him for his first hair cut. Hopefully, Jerry the Barber will be back from his illness or I have no idea where we are going to take him. Maureen says that we can go to The Yellow Balloon, but I think he needs to go to a manly barber shop with real barber chairs and a striped barber pole.

A Very Eventful Day

Yesterday was an interesting day in the life of John. He had his first visit to the pediatrician. He had his first home bath. And, he had his first nail clipping (well, it sort of amounted to a nail clipping).

We went to see the doctor. Dr. K was quite impressed with John's health. He said that John was quite healthy and strong. He also assured us that John's body hair would eventually go away. I'm not concerned with the hair. If it doesn't go away, he can always make quite a pretty penny as a werewolf boy in the circus. I don't think his mother appreciates that plan, but it's always good to have a back-up should things not work out.

One good thing about John's doctor. He knows the difference between the two verbs: rear and raise. He knows that children are reared and livestock are raised. When he said something about rearing a child, I knew he was a good doctor. Good grammar cannot be ignored. Plus, Maureen really likes the snazzy way he dresses. I must say that he does dress quite well.

He was quite good until bath time. Once we started sponge bathing him, he started to wail. Apparently, he doesn't like to take baths. Really, one would think that he'd like water after having spent 40-weeks in a sac of amniotic fluid. Anywho, John cried like an onion. Maybe he just wants to be like the kids in high school who smoked and tried to cover up the cigarette smell with cologne. It didn't work then and it's not going to work now.

Our next adventure included clipping his finger nails. In case you didn't know this, babies do not like to have their nails clipped because it hurts when one cuts too closely. Being the brave and bold man that I am, I decided to clip them short. Big mistake!!! John started to wail and I drew blood. Needless to say, Maureen and I are going to rethink the nail cutting strategy. Next time, she's going to try to file down his nails. Her cousin recommends bitting the nails off. Me, I think we'll just keep him in mittens for a while and call him Johnny Mittens.

For those of you who haven't have the John Dockweiler Gonzalez Experience in person, take a look at this clip. John has the hiccups. Yes, it's only a video that a parent could love.

An Open Letter to Heidi and Seal

If you are ever in need for an escort to a cotillion or a debutante ball for Leni, please feel free to contact us. John will be available and will know how to dance. His mother will see to that. Yes, he is a few years younger than Leni, but he'll be ready for the call.

Or, if you'd like a playmate for Henry and/or Johann, please let us know. Once again, he's a couple of years younger than your sons, but he'll be just as rough and tumble as any in no time.

Manneken Pis

The Belgians are an interesting people. Their country is between France and the Netherlands. They don't know if they are French, Dutch, Flemish, or Walloon. Plus, Jean Claude Van Damme was born there. He recently claimed to be a major brand...where, in Flanders? Wallonia?

In Brussels, there is a fountain called the Manneken Pis. Basically, it's a little boy peeing. If memory serves, my eldest brother brought a small working replica home from his trip to Europe in the mid eighties. I remember watching it squirt water and thinking it was the funniest thing.

Enough of my woolgathering, I really should get to the point of this post and how does it relate to J.D. Gonzalez. Earlier today, Maureen was changing a diaper that had been soiled. There was a little clump of yellow, seedy poop. As she was finishing, our John turned into the Manneken Pis. It just shot up out of nowhere, but that's not the best part.

The best part is that John peed on the cover of OK! Magazine that featured Jamie Lynn Spears on the cover with her baby Maddie. It's clear that John is quite a conservative young lad that doesn't approve of the glorification of teen pregnancy wrought by magazines like this one. It was quite reminiscent of the film History of the World Part I where the world's first art critic shows his displeasure with a cave painting by peeing on it.

Notes From the Underside

I've noticed two things that freak me out. The first is that I'm still quite shocked everytime I'm holding John and he has a little explosive outburst from his underside. It freaks me out to the point that I give out a "ahhhhhh" sound and jump a little bit. I need to get used to that.

Today, I had a great experience changing a diaper. I looked and he had a little bit of yellow seed poop. As I start to wipe him, a stream starts to flow out of his bottom. I was quite pleased that I didn't freak out. I just waited it out and finished cleaning.

Being a father isn't easy.

The Most Rufus Child on the Face of the Earth

Why the most Rufus? Anyone who knows anything knows that being Rufus is the ultimate in being cool. Sure, he gave us a scare when he first joined us, but all is forgiven due to his incredible Rufalicious nature.

John showed his fierce nature in the delivery room. Dr. Varkey was pulling him into this world of ours. What does independent and free thinking John do? He does his best Greg Louganis and dives back into his mother with his butt and legs sticking out. His first act of defiance was to moon the doctor. I fear we may have problems when he goes to school if his first act was to moon a doctor.